pieces of me...

when you finally emerge...

2010-01-05T08:41:00.000-08:00

From your life on auto-pilot, the realness of it is almost too much to bear. We run around, do our errands, pay our bills, go to work, attend social functions and events, grab cocktails with friends, shop for new furniture, shop for a new life....in the midst of all these day-to-day rituals that have become the norm...who are we? Through all the necessary but frivolous and even superfluous dances in which we succumb to participate...are we able to retain what little is left of ourselves? Or is even that minute sliver of just the shadow of your soul lost in others or lost in some meaningless bullshit? Huh. It's been a very, very long time since I've posted anything on here...guess I've, myself, been busy running around town, losing me ever so slightly. So now...the challenge is to reunite with those missing pieces and put them back together. Will it feel foreign? To be who I really am? It's been a while since she's been all there. To have this greater and more deeper understanding of self is a little intimidating. I thought I had it all figured out, but when really thinking about it, I doubt anyone really gets it until the time has really run out. It's difficult to just embrace everything and anything that is you when, first, you've dropped so many of the crumbs of yourself in the forest along this path...but as Hansel would say, "They're still there. We just need to follow them home." Then secondly, what will truly embracing you be like? Never holding back? Never giving up? Never giving in? Living in a state of perpetual awareness of everything and everyone around you? Appreciating each moment as a blessing that will indefinitely affect you directly in some way?? Talk about sensory overload. I can always pick up my crumbs that I left behind while traversing this new unconquered territory...they'll no doubt take me home...but will home mean the same thing for me? Or am I going to feel like an alien visitor?

......just a thought. Thanks, Ambien...for the strange and random introspection this morning. Oh yeah, and...happy new year. ;)

when the actions you take...

2008-04-24T09:11:00.000-07:00

Start producing real results, it's sometimes hard to believe how quickly your life starts to change. So I've been pretty busy the last month or so taking steps towards moving on and forward in my career...I started a new part-time job this past week working with a plastic surgeon and am in the midst of the hiring process for a new full-time job I'll be starting in July. Both of these jobs are completely different from what I've been doing the last four years...and it's all very exciting...but for some reason, I started feeling a little apprehensive this morning when I was thinking about all the changes that are happening...wondering whether or not I'm making the right decisions. I want to live in the moment and embrace the changes through which I'm going, but I can't help but be curious about what the outcome these changes will bring for me years from now. I did some quick calculation in my head while I was driving home from work this morning and figured that I won't reach my goal [graduated from school with my Master's and CRNA license] until at least 4 or 5 years from now. It seems so far.....I was visiting a friend's profile on MySpace a little earlier, checking out pictures of her and her husband and the "new addition" to the family...and I started freaking out a little, wondering if that was ever going to be me...and if [or when] I was ready to become a "they", how the hell would I manage it in the next few years? I don't know...I'm feeling a little behind in that aspect of my life. I keep telling myself that it's fine, and my life is good [because it really is]...I have all this time to get my life together and do the things that I want to do and go to all the places I want to go without ever worrying about anyone else holding me back...but I can't help but feel the sting of age creeping up on me. Yes, yes I know I'm still pretty young...but seriously, I just feel like I'm nowhere near where I pictured myself to be 10, or even 5, years ago. Oh well...guess I'll just keep working on my "the good life" plan...

when you try to run away faster from drama...

2008-04-01T01:44:00.000-07:00

The closer it tends to follow behind you. Man, I haven't posted anything on here in months!! I feel kind of out of my element trying to write since I haven't done so in a while...I was just talking to a friend about one of my New Year's resolutions to keep things simple in my life. Well, I've tried, but sadly, my attempts feel as though they have been nothing but pathetic and futile. Life is really [and to my surprise] mimicking the stupid bullshit I posted in my "About Me" section on MySpace..."no amount of happiness comes with no price". I pulled that out of my ass...sorta...but now I feel as if I am truly realizing the full potential of what I said. Happiness seems to take a lot of work...and the road there is just strewn with so many damn barricades and potholes and just freaking every kind of obstacle you can imagine, which in turn forces you to find detours to get you where you want to be...and even the detours prove challenging to get through. Argh. I don't really know what the purpose of any of this particular blog is...maybe it's just a product of being up late and the early stages of delirium. Maybe my next blog in another couple months will be less emo...well, one can only hope...

Happy New Year...

2008-01-02T00:48:00.000-08:00

So, I've been waiting for January 2008 to come around for a while...but despite my mounting anticipation the last couple months for the time that's finally come, I just feel as the wait was in vain. The countdown to "Happy New Year!" was seriously all too anti-climactic. It just ended in me crying...which actually may have been induced by the level at which I was intoxicated more than anything. :P Anyway, I guess I was just expecting for some magic fireworks to appear in front of me and for everything to just all of a sudden be OK.....well, there weren't, and it isn't. I know, I know...it'll just be a matter of time before whatever's supposed to fall into place will just do its job, but I don't know...I'm still waiting...

Let me just tell you about my New Year's Eve. SO, Chris and I had one of THE most stressful days ever, just preparing for the night. I woke up in the morning, took my cousin to the airport, then picked Chris up at around noon to start our day. We drove up to Valencia [aka B.F.E.], so she could get her hair done...which took A LOT longer than we had expected. Originally, we had planned to be out of there and in Glendale Galleria to get our make-up done by her friend at 4pm. SO didn't happen. Her hair was barely done at around 4...so we decided to just get our make-up done at the mall there in Valencia. I waited about an hour for a MAC make-up artist to be available to do me, and THEN when it was finally my turn, I [of course] got THE slowest one of all of them. It seriously took him like an hour and a half to do my stupid make-up. I was really pleased with the way he did it, but he just took FOREVER...kept stopping to explain to me what he was going to do and how he was going to do it and making small talk. UGH. I was just thinking in my head, "Dude please. Just make me pretty. And do it fast. We're in a serious time-crunch. GAWD." Well, we finally left...I dropped Chris off at home, so she could get ready and then come to my house later. She got to my place at about 9, so then we proceeded to try to call a cab...which turned out to be mission impossible because the cabs we were calling kept giving us busy signals. I thought I'd take matters into my own hands and start calling random cab companies off some random list of cab companies that I found online. I was going through the list that happened to be in alphabetical order, and when I got to the "C's", I finally got an answer...but the person on the other line didn't respond to my call in the way I expected. Instead of "Hello, so-and-so-cab-company, how may I help you?", all I got was "BUENO???" OH GAWD. I started asking this lady if she was a cab company, and she proceeded to speak to me in Spanish. When I asked her if she spoke English...still Spanish. Oh. no. So all my years of Spanish in high school and practicing the language at work all lead up to this moment. It was 9:30, we were supposed to be at the club at 9, and this lady seemed to be our only hope...soooooo I broke her off with my intermediate Spanish skills. I managed tell her that we needed a cab and what our address was. Then she said something that I interpreted as, "OK, I'll call you back in 5 to 10 minutes", and hung up!! Before I could ask her anything else, she was gone. So I called the number back, and some guy answers who speaks English but tells me that they have no record of the conversation that I just had with this mysterious lady and that he can send a cab if I need it. I'm about to give our location for the second time, but I get a "beep" on my other line telling me I have another phone call...It's a number I don't recognize, so I start thinking that it's the lady calling me back. I tell the guy I had to go and would call him back if I needed to, click over, and it's some guy telling me in Spanish [again!], that my taxi is OUTSIDE. WHAT?? HAHA it had only been 5 minutes, maybe. So I yell at Chris that our cab is waiting outside, and we both get our things together to meet it. When we go out, there's no cab waiting...we look at each other with perplexed looks...then some guy rolls up in an unmarked Impala and asks if we needed a "ride". HAHA WHAT???? again. So I'm freaking out, thinking this guy is up to no good, ask him for his permit/license...Chris is running to the car...and the guy is laughing at me like "what?!". Oh gawd. The only thing legit about this dude was that he had one of those walkie-talkie radio things. He had no meter, no permit, no anything that a normal cab would have. The seatbelt on my side didn't even have the strap that went around my waist...when I started laughing, the guy goes, "Oh yeah, that was cut in half. Sorry about that." HAHAHAHA OMG. Anyway, so he got us to the club with a quickness...it seriously only took us 5 minutes to get there...and homie only charged us $8. Haha...so Chris and I got his cell phone number and asked him to pick us up at 2am. HAHAHA...soooo yeah. Talk about random. The actual club [Opera] was OK. There were just too many people...of the not-so-much kind...it was impossible to get drinks...the bar ran out of glasses and stopped pouring liquor unless we "brought glasses" [WHAT?! WHO says that??]...we saw our friends who also went there for a total of 5 minutes...and yeah, the countdown was, like i said earlier, anticlimactic. [sigh] Well, at least we're starting fresh right? Just gotta suck it up and see what happens...We left the club at 2...called Carlos, who promptly came to pick us up about 15 minutes later...and left the mad crowd outside Opera still looking for cab rides home...We went back to my place, Chris got her car [she was, to her dismay, sober...while I was more drunk than I can even remember], and we ate at BCD...then we went home and called it a night. :P Happy New Year. Haha.

Anyway, so I'm at Chris' house...still in my PJs...did absolutely nothing this first day of 2008 but slept and bummed around. I feel like it was kind of waste, but what the hell else would I be doing? Right. So yeah...let's just hope that something good happens soon. Hope you all had a wonderful holiday!!

when a moment of bliss lasts longer than it should...

2007-12-26T09:31:00.000-08:00

It most definitely is too good to be true. So I don't understand why I continue to put faith in people who are clearly [well, to everyone else at least...] are underserving of anything good I have to give them. I feel really lame for giving out "the benefit of the doubt" for free...when my own instincts are telling me to do the opposite. Anyway, I just don't know what my problem is. I'm sick and tired of being so trusting and giving of myself to just turn right around and get hurt. Over it.

I haven't blogged for a month. My last post on here was the 26th of last month. Crazy how fast time passes...and how much things can change in only a month. A lot happened, I think, while I was on hiatus from here...but it'd probably be better to check out Chris' [sis] blog for the details on what I've been doing since I obviously won't remember everything...and plus, I just have no real motivation to sit and spend an hour on this blog post.

I just can't wait for 2008 to come. I know it's right around the corner, but nothing would be more pleasant for me to hear than the last few seconds of this stupid year of 2007 being counted down. The end of these past 365 days have been some of the worst through which I've had to endure...and really, I just can't wait to wipe the slate clean and start over. I think I felt the same way this time last year...so it's as if I just made a complete freaking circle and have ended up right back where I freaking started. What happened? Oh well...anyway, cheers to the new year!

when time seems to just slip through your fingers...

2007-11-26T07:12:00.000-08:00

This is the time to embrace each moment more than ever...feeling with all your heart...all your soul...allowing yourself to be inundated with the rush of emotion. OK, so Chris is on her way to my place soon to visit after her hell-ish night at work...and Renji really needs to go for a walk...but I haven't been online the last week...so I just wanted to take a little time to tell my sister: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!! I hope you had one of the best birthdays EVER...and I wish you blessings for happiness in the years to come. I LOVE YOU!!!!!!

Sis...I know you were feeling that you were getting old...but you're not. There's still [a lot] more time for you. Enjoy life and everything in it. ;)

I'm 15 for a moment
Caught in between 10 and 20
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are
I'm 22 for a moment
She feels better than ever
And we're on fire
Making our way back from Mars
15, there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to lose
15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live
I'm 33 for a moment
Still the man, but you see I'm a they
A kid on the way
A family on my mind
I'm 45 for a moment
The sea is high
And I'm heading into a crisis
Chasing the years of my life
15, there's still time for you
Time to buy, Time to lose yourself
Within a morning star
15, I'm all right with you
15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live
Half time goes by
Suddenly you’re wise
Another blink of an eye
67 is gone
The sun is getting high
We're moving on...
I'm 99 for a moment
Dying for just another moment
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are
15, there's still time for you
22, I feel her too
33, you’re on your way
Every day's a new day...
15, there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to choose
Hey 15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live

when the chicken is killed...

2007-11-20T03:19:00.000-08:00

Before it is hatched, the moment of your demise is at hand. Dude, so I'm at work...and I really have NO clue what I've been doing all night. I've just been running around, annoying Chris and acting a fool. She was so annoyed earlier that she called me a hyena. Is that even the correct spelling?? I just now turned to Chris and asked her...

Me: Sis, how do you spell "hyena"??
Chris: R-O-C-H-E-L-L-E.

Gawd. HAHAHA. I don't know why she's forwarding so much hostility towards me tonight...especially since she finally got "the assignment of her dreams". HAHA I love her to pieces.

So I'm finally on the last book of the Harry Potter series. I only slept for 3 hours before work tonight, finishing up Order of the Phoenix. I'm paying for it because I'm now a perpetual zombie...delirious. I think I really could have finished this last book tonight because I haven't been busy at all...but I've been finding other things to occupy my time...like eating [we had a potluck - starvation-nation is not me tonight!]...but I honestly believe that I'm in denial about the ending of the books and trying my hardest to postpone the impending doom of no more Harry Potter releases. Waaaaaaaaaaaaah!! OK, I'm going to go back to bugging Chris...Heh heh HEH!!!!

when passion gets the best of you...

2007-11-15T03:43:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you can't help but let yourself be inundated by a tidal wave of emotion. OK...I don't really know why I felt like using that as the title for this blog...and I probably should have saved it for a more meaningful one...but oh well. I'm all out of other ideas for now.

So last night, well the other night now [Tuesday], I went to watch Wicked with Chris, Barbie, and Brian. Seriously, I'm so glad we went to see it because I've been wanting to see it forever and it was a really, really good show. It's amazing how one can relate so much to a musical about the witches from Oz. I wanted to cry so much towards the end of the thing but held it back because I didn't see anyone else crying. What's wrong with me? Haha. My favorite part of the musical had to do with meeting people and how they change you for the better. We meet so many people in our lives...and I've always been a firm believer in meeting people for a reason...but we sometimes overlook how certain individuals help us to grow and learn. Anyway, I have a group of really great friends...and you know who you are...I love you guys, thanks for everything I am, and this song's for you. :)

So today, I did absolutely nothing. Seriously. I woke up in the morning, made a ridiculously large breakfast, ate it, went back to bed, and woke up again at 3pm. Haha. Talk about L-A-Z-Y F-A-T-T-Y. Then, I went to the mall for a little while to buy a dress shirt to wear [because I HAD planned to go to County this morning to find out about working there which I don't think is gonna happen...it's almost 4am, and I'm not sleeping...and not planning on sleeping yet :P]...and then ate dinner...and have just been trying to get through Harry Potter. Gawd. SO unproductive. And today, I'm not going to get anything done because I'm sure I won't be able to wake up early. Man. The highlight of my day/night was when Chris came over to visit an hour or so ago. YAY! ;D Thanks sis. Hehe...

Christmas is coming up, and I'm super-excited!! I love the holidays. This is my favorite time of the year. :D Ok, I need to get back to Harry Potter...HEH.

when careful consideration is...

2007-11-08T14:47:00.000-08:00

Utilized to make decisions, you would think that others would appreciate your thoughtfulness. This is never the case. There is always going to be someone who complains in the bunch and you just cannot please. Ugh. I was charge last night...and part of my responsibilities of being the charge nurse is to create the patient assignments for the oncoming shift. The expectation is that I make the assignment for each nurse appropriate for his or her specific attributes and that his or her patient load is not too light but not too heavy. If I didn't care about the nurses who would be caring for our floor's kids , I would just assign whatever patients to whatever nurses and call it a night. Instead, I worry and pore over this stupid paper for about an hour thinking about how busy every single kid is [there are usually 34 on the floor], how sick they are, what their diagnosis is, what types and how many medications they have and what times those medications are given, what drains are coming out of them, what procedures the nurse has to do for them and how often, what their feeding regimen is like, how old they are and whether or not there is a parent at the bedside who might be able to help the nurse with feedings/changing diapers/repositioning, what the parents are like [whether or not they are high-anxiety and need lots of attention or need some education], whether or not that kid may be going home, and whether or not the group of kids I assign to any particular nurse is an assignment that is manageable and that I, myself, would be able to handle and would be OK with. I'm sure there's more that I'm forgetting, but anyway...the entire process is very laborious, and I put tons of thought into making that assignment. SO, in the morning, when I have a day shift nurse hunting me down like a damn predator, I take great offense when he/she questions why I gave them so-and-so patient. I work really hard on making the assignments appropriate for each individual nurse, so to hear one of them complain about what patients I gave them gives me great irritation. I don't think people realize how difficult it is to put something like this together. And I, unlike some charge nurses, take great care that the nurses who come on aren't running around like chickens with their heads cut off for twelve hours with no break and no time to even breathe the way my coworkers and I sometimes are. Sometimes, you just can't help to prevent this, but for the most part, you can...and I always try my best do that. I can't stand people who complain...which brings me to my next blog topic...

So yesterday at Coffee Bean, Chris said to me, "I'm not complaining anymore, sis. I just need to suck it up and stop complaining about life and work and everything. It's useless." This was ironic because usually when we're at Coffee Bean before work, about 80% of the session is complaining about life and work and everything. However, I was thinking about this...and I think sometimes we just can't help but complain because we're just tired. Tired of not having what we want. Tired of not getting quality sleep after being so exhausted after work. Tired of just not having time to ourselves in order to do the things that we want. I do think she's right in that complaining is useless. It just makes us unhappy and disgruntled and emo...when our lives, in fact, are great. We're alive...we have great families and friends...we make pretty good money...work in a profession in which we make differences in other's lives...we have fun...but...for some reason, it's so difficult to just be happy with life and everything in it...I guess most times the bad things cast big shadows over the good...or maybe we all just really need to change our perspectives on things. When I responded to her comments about complaining, I told her that we probably should stop complaining so much...but then I'm pretty sure that I remember that immediately afterwards, we asked ourselves the infamous rhetorical question: "Why do we have work tonight??" Haha. Anyway, I'm going to try to stop complaining so much...so we'll see how that goes...

when you're starvation-nation...

2007-11-06T13:09:00.000-08:00

There's nothing more delicious than gnawing on your arm...or a horse's leg. HAha. Yes, random...that was a product of THE longest night ever at work this past Saturday. Freaking Chris and I were lame and scheduled ourselves on the night of the time change...and really, we died. Delirious. Hungry. Exhausted. The night was excruciatingly long. 13 hours of painful. Hate. Work.

Chris, Cindy, and I went to a couple gay bar/clubs on Sunday night. Cindy's friend, Jeremy, met up with us...and so did Fernand, Chris' friend...Fernand and I actually were reunited since I'd met him a while back and actually partied with him. Haha, it's a small, small world. Anyway, it was really great seeing him because he's just so cute and fun to be around. The night was really, really fun. A lot more fun than I expected it would be. A couple gay guys even danced with Chris and me. We got game. HAHA just kidding. [but not really] The bartenders kept hooking up the drinks, but I didn't really drink much because I already saw Chris and Cindy getting messed up...and I was worried about who was gonna drive home. Anyway, it was okay that I was sober most of the night because my company was awesome. :)

Last night, I had dinner with Chris, Barbie, and Norm at McCormick's downtown. I was lost for 30 minutes, while they were waiting for me in front of the restaurant. Downtown is a lot nicer than it was when I used to live there a few years ago...but man, I forgot how crazy it was to get around because of all the one-ways and broken-up streets and curves and turns...it was like driving through a perpetual maze...that once you entered never spit you out. Anyway, the $1.95 cheeseburger was delicious...but I was a little irritated that I had to pay 50 cents for ranch. Who charges that?? Gawd, I didn't even finish it...I should have packed it to-go haha....so I left right after eating though because my brain tumor was out of control, and my head was hurting really bad...

I'm concurrently trying to find new song for my Myspace profile as I'm writing this blog. I shouldn't really be doing either of these things because I have work tonight...and tomorrow...and the night after. UGH. Lamest EVER.

So earlier I walked with Renji to Tacos El Pastor...this random little place that serves Mexican food on a corner down the street from where we live. I bought a torta milanesa, my favorite...it was delicious, and my tummy was grumble-grumble-grumble no-more. I think I have a problem...and it's that I can't stop eating. Oh gawd. I need to exercise. I haven't exercised in forever...

Someone told me about this commerical where there's a lady who's asleep with her puppy just sitting next to her on the bed...then, all of a sudden, the lady wakes up and starts petting the puppy...and a message pops up that says "they'll always be there when you wake up". Gawd!! I love Renji. I don't know how I ever lived without him. Taking naps with him and having him cuddle up next to me is one of the greatest feelings ever!! :)

Man, this blog is uber-boring. I better try to take a nap before I have to get ready for work...ciao!

when it's taken too far...

2007-11-02T14:57:00.000-07:00

SERIOUSLY, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORE. I just got a very annoying email from someone...I love my friends to pieces, but I'm getting fucking tired of hearing about me going home early from the clubs we go to. I don't want to go out with you guys anymore. So don't ask.

when your brain tumor...

2007-11-02T08:27:00.000-07:00

Starts acting up at inappropriate times, you probably don't have much life left. I've been feeling a little overwhelmed the past week...like I've been dealing with a lot of stuff emotionally...and stressing over work. I need to get on the ball with work/school. I feel like I was doing well, but since the disappointment with my UCLA interview, I just haven't been doing much to get another job. Anyway, I'll take care of that hopefully in the next week...Also, I've been thinking...and it's become a real problem that I've been passing out and getting sick and having to leave clubs/bars early when I've been out with my friends. It's become so bad that Chris told me they had a big discussion about me on Halloween since I had to leave early after not feeling so well [I'm telling you, it partly has something to do with the tumor...]. I actually think it's the pre-drinking. I really shouldn't drink before we get to the place we're going. Whenever I pre-drink, I'm always done by midnight...or even earlier. Anyway, this is super-embarrassing...and I feel really bad for the people who have to take me home early....so yeah, I can't say anything more about it....so yeah...bleh. I'm just not going out anymore. Dammit.

So I finally got the tokidoki fanny-pack bag thing that I've wanted forever. [Thanks, Innes.] I was reading the little cards that have information about the tokidoki line...and I never knew this, but it's really cool...here's my favorite part: "tokidoki means "sometimes" in japanese...Simone [the creator of tokidoki] chose "sometimes" because everyone waits for moments that change one's destiny." Nice thought, right? Waiting around for a moment that will change your destiny...I think I used to believe in that stuff. I'm not so sure anymore. Lately, I've been feeling that if I don't go out there and make things happen for myself, I'm just gonna be stuck where I am forever. Of course...there are always things I have no control over...like love...but I guess I'll just leave that part up to tokidoki.

when first impressions are so important...

2007-10-26T16:45:00.000-07:00

They just are. So I freaking went to my interview at UCLA this morning after I got off of work. First off, I was in MAD traffic, even taking the side streets. It took me almost an hour to get there. Good thing I got out of work on time this morning...or else I would have been SO late. Anyway, it didn't really matter that I made it to my "appointment" with the recruiter on time [and there is a reason why I have the word appointment in quotation marks] because she freaking didn't see me until an hour after I sat and waited around to talk to her for 10 minutes. SO LAME. Ok, so then, the human resources office is all far from the actual hospital...so cracked-out nurse recruiter lady gave me directions on how to take some shuttle to wherever I needed to go to meet with the unit manager. Well, I don't know whether or not I mentioned this in a prior blog...but I am THE worst with directions. THE WORST. So, her directions were all over the place...and she kind of shoo-ed me out of the office, and I had to meet with the manager in 10 minutes...so I didn't really have time to ask her for better directions. Well, I thought to myself, "Ok, I can figure this out..." UGH. Well, the shuttle that she said would be waiting for me at some spot outside the building was nowhere to be found, and I was already running late for my interview. I asked one of the valet guys, and he said to just catch the shuttle to UCLA around the corner. Well, I almost missed it...good thing there were other people running across the street to catch it. When I got on, I just looked at the first person I saw and asked if the bus would take me to the hospital...he replied "yes", so I figured I would be ok...Well, the stop for the hospital was a really, really long trek uphill to the hospital...and I was wearing heels. By the time that I got to the front of the hospital [which was not the entrance at which the recruiter lady had told me I would be entering via her directions...], I was hot and flustered and my feet were killing me. UGH. THEN...when I finally found the unit, I think I actually hated it. It was not the ambiance...not the patients...not the impending doom of having to totally switch up gears in my nursing career...but the people. I just did not get a good vibe from the nurses with whom I'd be working. Actually, it was awful. Before I actually spoke with the manager, I was put on the spot in a conference room with a panel of nurses who were working today...they all asked me questions about my background, what my strengths/weaknesses were, blahblahblah...but I don't know. Honestly, they all seemed very superficial...and a little TOO proud of what they did and where they worked. I don't know if I could spend the next chapter in my nursing life struggling to tolerate arrogant coworkers. They tried to make me feel as if I was incapable of working on their unit because I had no experience in critical care and have only known pediatrics. I don't think I've ever felt more insulted in my life. Sorry to say, I think I'm a damn good nurse...and I honestly would rather not waste my skills nor my time on such a lame facility. I can't believe they tried to intimidate me like that. I felt like they were all talking to me as if I was some little kid not comprehending anything. They kept asking me if "this unit was really where I wanted to work" because "it's very different from working on a floor" and "what makes you think you can handle the intensity of a place like this". WTF. I told them that I've already thought about all of this...and it's OBVIOUS that working there would be a HUGE change...but I KNOW I can handle it. I'm a strong nurse. Anyway, I don't really know what their intentions were...maybe they really just wanted to make sure I was aware...but they didn't have to be so demeaning about it. GAWD. Anyway, so...I'm trying to get an interview at County next week.

I'm so exhausted. I can't even think about getting ready. I didn't meet Chris at the mall to run my errands. I didn't do anything but waste my time at my lame interview. My costume isn't even ready yet, so I don't even know if I'll be able to wear it tonight. :( GREAT. Just GREAT. This day is just turning out to be absolutely spectacular. UGH.

when nothing at all can pacify the situation...

2007-10-26T02:35:00.000-07:00

I've learned that the only thing you can do is to just let it go. I've been so frustrated the entire night, and my inability to do anything about what's been bothering me has only amplified my frustration. People can't be changed. They have to want to be different and change on their own accord. I decided that it's probably better not to stir the pot and to just let things be. If I continue to be miserable any much longer after this, then I'll just drop the things/people who've been making me so irritated and move the hell on. THE freaking END.

I'm really excited to be off tonight. Work is just so unbearable right now. I can hardly stand being here. I'm kind of anxious for my interview...I just want it to be over, so I can go to bed. Chris and I have MAD errands to run before we go to my friend's Halloween party...I don't even know how that's gonna work out. It's 20 minutes away, but we're all gonna be freaking wasted...soooo I don't know how we're gonna make it back home. Yikes. Oh well...better drink up early, so we can sober up early. :P

I love Pablo Neruda!
I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving

but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.

when want lacks concrete gratification...

2007-10-25T07:57:00.000-07:00

You should probably take actions into your own hands and make something happen. But unfortunately, there are just some things over which you have absolutely zero control. Like going back to school...I can do that. Do whatever needs to be done to meet/exceed requirements for entry into the program, apply, get accepted, do well, and graduate. Wishing for someone to do something you've been waiting for? Not gonna happen. So what do you do in that situation? Keep waiting? Or abandon ship and swim to land or perhaps find another ship/boat...well actually, I guess I'd have to stay on-board...seeing as how I can't swim. Haha, problem solved.

So last night, I had dinner with Brian. Over dinner, I was recounting my Arrowhead water jug incident. He replies, "Hey, those things are pretty resilient." And I say, "Dude! I know! It didn't even fall very far!! Can you believe that?? Only me." Then he says, "It's karma. Maybe you just have bad karma." Then he went on to tell a story of how two of his drivers [golfing] completely broke in half on two separate occassions one month apart. Total freak accidents. His bag just happened to fall over, and each time, his drivers were broken in half. That's just too crazy. I've never heard of those things breaking in half. And for it to happen twice? Well, this happened fairly recently, so I told him that he should probably start being more nice to people and stop being such a bastard. His response? "I know, huh?" Gawd. Anyway, as for me and my bad karma...I don't believe the water had anything to do with karma at all. I'm just really clumsy...and random, funny things like that just seem to gravitate to me...as if I have this super-force around me that attracts weirdness. Seriously. I need to have a documentary filmed that shows people what my life is like. Everyone would be dying of laughter. I know I always am...and so are my friends.

My interview with UCLA is tomorrow. I'm not nervous yet. If I'm anxious at all, it's only regarding leaving work on time in the morning to get to UCLA by 8:30AM. Well that and figuring out what I'm going to tell people when they ask me why I'm all dressed up during report at change of shift [I'm planning on changing before the end of my shift in the morning to save time...I finally have a pair of nice slacks, by the way. Hip-hip-hooray for me.]. People gossip so much on our floor...and I don't want our manager to know about me leaving yet. For a split-second yesterday, I didn't want to go through with any of this...getting a new job, going back to school. I got really scared and anxious and overwhelmed and unsure of whether or not I wanted to even do this...and was wondering why the hell I was doing it in the first place. Then I got a call from a coworker while she was on her way to work, complaining about how much she really hated working there and really didn't wanna do it anymore and just wanted to quit and do something else. And suddenly, I remembered. I don't want to hate work anymore. Change is exactly what I've been needing. No matter how scary the newness may be, a completely different work environment will be good for me. I can't stay where I am. I don't want to be retiring from there, unhappy and bitter.

I don't think I mentioned it in my blog yet...but one of my really good friends was in a horrible accident while she was on vacation in Hawaii. She was driving herself and a friend when some crazy driver hit them, resulting in a head-on collision. She was hospitalized there, but now she's back home in California. I'm soooo thankful that she's doing much better...but yeah, she actually is living up north in the bay area...and I got a text message from her yesterday saying that she's having a going-away party this Saturday before she leaves to move to Florida next week...and I'm totally devastated because I can't make it this weekend because of work...SO I was going to fly up on Monday after work and fly back Tuesday, but the flights are crazy expensive, and I'd have to figure out what to do with Renji. I'd want to take him, which would cost a lot extra. I really want to see my friend because I already felt awful when she got into the accident that I couldn't even visit her in the hospital and that I hadn't visited her prior to all of that drama happening...I remember that she had been trying for months to get me to go up there and see her...but it just never worked out...so anyway, I'm all stressed out about seeing her. I really want to see her before she leaves next week...but I don't know how I'm gonna do it. I'm really considering taking a nap after work on Monday and just driving up there with Renji...but argh. I guess this is all just a lesson in cherishing the time you have with loved ones and friends.

OK, I'm done rambling. I need to sleep. Good night.

when i get married...

2007-10-24T09:31:00.000-07:00

I'm including this song in the damn playlist. Well, IF I get married. Isn't looking too good right now. I'll have to force my next friend that gets married then to play this song. Gawd! Haha. It's seriously one of my favorites. I could just listen to it on repeat over and over.

when looking forward just isn't...

2007-10-24T09:09:00.000-07:00

As meaningful as looking back, I think you just can't help but to be sad. There are so many things that I miss. Too many to list. Miss so much it hurts. I'm eating at Chipotle today. Going straight there after I drop Renji off at the pet salon. It's over.

when laziness is getting the best of me...

2007-10-23T14:34:00.000-07:00

All I need is a little bit of motivation. So I was just talking to a friend online and asked this person for a little push for me to get my day started. I have a bazillion errands to run, but since I woke up an hour ago, I've been really wanting to just put them off until tomorrow...This is the reason I'm getting out of bed today:

jenechelle81 (2:28:47 PM): pig i need some motivation to go do my errands
jenechelle81 (2:28:48 PM): UGH
pig pen (2:29:36 PM): mmmm, YOSHINOYA
pig pen (2:29:39 PM): i LOVE yoshinoya
pig pen (2:29:47 PM): he he he, you know what's funny, we do those jokes all the time too
pig pen (2:30:12 PM): if you do your errands now, you'll have more time to chill later
pig pen (2:30:19 PM): cuz you won't be worrying about doing your errands anymore
pig pen (2:30:25 PM): you'll have given yourself the gift of time
jenechelle81 (2:30:41 PM): "the gift of time"???
jenechelle81 (2:30:43 PM): !!!!
jenechelle81 (2:30:45 PM): HA HA HA
jenechelle81 (2:30:48 PM): where is that from??
jenechelle81 (2:31:10 PM): i think everyone thinks i'm a pervert
jenechelle81 (2:31:20 PM): because of "that's what she said"
jenechelle81 (2:31:29 PM): um well, i think i am
jenechelle81 (2:31:30 PM): gawd
jenechelle81 (2:31:38 PM): i want to eat yoshinoya now
jenechelle81 (2:31:39 PM): lol
pig pen (2:32:44 PM): it's from friends
pig pen (2:33:02 PM): when ross is talking about how he'll have to take the train
pig pen(2:33:08 PM): when emily's making him make all those changes
pig pen (2:33:17 PM): and he's all, "Ive been givent he gift of time"
jenechelle81 (2:33:22 PM): THAT's right
jenechelle81 (2:33:26 PM): i remember
jenechelle81 (2:33:30 PM): =)
pig pen (2:33:34 PM): and then chandler goes, "You know, last year, I got the gift of space, we should get together and make a continuum"
jenechelle81 (2:33:39 PM): YESSSSSSS
jenechelle81 (2:33:42 PM): HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA
jenechelle81 (2:33:47 PM): HAAHAHAHHAHAHAAHHA
jenechelle81 (2:33:58 PM): HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
jenechelle81 (2:36:54 PM): ok i'm getting ready to go do my duties
pig pen (2:37:23 PM): yay
pig pen (2:37:28 PM): glad to have been your motivator
pig pen (2:37:41 PM): push em out push em out waaaaaay out!
pig pen (2:37:46 PM): (that's what she said)
jenechelle81 (2:37:52 PM): hahahahahahahah

thanks pig. ;)

when un gomme falls off the bureau...

2007-10-23T05:46:00.000-07:00

Onto le livre, un gomme bounces off because it is so bulbous in shape. Tonight at work was very interesting. So earlier, I tried to be helpful and change the water jug on top of the Arrowhead dispenser...but I was not successful in bringing it to the appropriate place. As soon as I lifted the water jug from its place of storage, it escaped from my hands and resulted in a grand explosion onto the floor and down the hall, causing major flooding in the low lands aka parents' shower room on the right. It was a MAJOR disaster. We had to call a "Code Moist". My socks were saturated from the spewing water all night long...and still are...Gawd. I was so embarrassed, mortified actually. The poor housekeeping guy had to manually suck up the water via a very large straw. I felt so bad. But I laughed at his misfortune anyway. This is the TRUEST story EVER.

Rochelle: [Holding Vons receipt] Hey guys, here's the receipt. Just pay me whenever.
Sandra: OH! Is that a Subway coupon on the back??
Rochelle: Uhhh...
Sandra: [Snatches receipt away greedily] OH. Nevermind. It's for footlongs. I don't like footlongs. I only like the 6-inch ones.
Rochelle: OH.
That's what she said.

Sandra: Oh gawd! I can't get in. [Referring to logging onto our charting system...then she walks over to the phone to call the "System Administrator"]
Rochelle: What are you talking about?? Just try it again.
Sandra: I already did! I can't get in!!
Rochelle: No!! Get over here!! Come on!! Just once. Try again!! Please!!! It's gonna work this time, I promise!!
Sandra: I'm telling you, I ALREADY tried like FOUR times!!!
Rochelle: Ugh!! Just try one more time. Please!!
Chris: That's what she said.

Berni and Cin came by to visit after galavanting at a couple of the bars frequented by homosexual men. They said that they saw the hottest guys they've EVER seen in their lives and that they were ALL really, really nice. When Cin paid off her tab, it was only $5.00. They were also saying that all the fine gay guys were talking to them, so all kinds of other random gay guys who were interested in the ones talking to them were buying them [Cin and Berni] drinks. How fun!! What the hell! Why did we have work tonight? LAME. Anyway, we know where we're hanging out Monday nights. Crazy envious.

OK, I think that this JUST might be the most random blog post I've written by far. I TOTALLY scored tonight. Good times. ;D

when the past seems to follow you...

2007-10-22T02:29:00.000-07:00

Wherever you go and no matter what you do to forget about it, there is more often than not nothing for you to do but just face it and do your best to really let go and move on. And ironically, it seems that the past always seems to come back to haunt you when you're finally doing just fine and dandy in your life. Thanks, Past.

So I haven't really blogged in a really long time...again. I haven't really been up to much. I'm actually at work right now, doing nothing. It's been a good night [knock on wood] so far.

Umm...it's almost Halloweenie, and I'm SO not ready to wear my skank-di-fied gangster costume. Great. My costume is out of control...and I totally ate some fries from McDonald's...not helping my cause. Totally strayed from the road to fitness. :/

OK, I don't really know what else to say...my head is pounding...hurts so bad. And I'm exhausted. Can't wait to go home. P.S. Sandra keeps bossing me around...I kind of like it. Keeps things interesting. Ha ha ha...OK bye.

when just the thought...

2007-10-11T09:13:00.000-07:00

Of exercise makes one nauseous, doing it anyway is the way to go. I'm kind of sore from running the last two days...and I'd rather just go back to bed and cuddle with Renji...but I'm starting to feel that I need to be using my free time to get in shape...so bleh. I'm going running right now. Bleh. The road the fitness sucks...hard.

when i'm too tired to cook...

2007-10-09T09:38:00.000-07:00

Something to eat, I better just go to bed. I'm STARVING!!!! Chris just told me to look in my fridge. I have eggs and bacon. I need to go to the market for ready-made food products. GAWD. Ok, I'm going to bed. I won't feel my hunger pains while I'm asleep. Hahahahaha...

when you cannot prevent the inevitable...

2007-10-09T03:53:00.000-07:00

Just let it come. :)

Coworker: Chris, can you write "Cummings" on the board??
Chris: What?
Coworker: Cummings! No, Cumming! Singular, not plural. Just one. It's Cumming!
[That's what she said]

Chris and I look at each other. Then, an outburst of laughter.

Coworker: What??? What's so funny?? I don't get it.

HA HA HA. We LOVE work. Ahhhhhh, to be so innocent and naive. :P

when the bad guys come out...

2007-10-07T09:42:00.000-07:00

To play, you better call SERIOUS reinforcements. And I'm not talking about Batman or even Superman. When death is knocking directly on your door, you better call He-Man. [Only a few people are going to understand this blog, so I apologize to the rest of you who are about to be completely lost. :P] So there's this certain individual with whom we work; he/she is FAR from being intelligent and actually lacks a great deal of common sense.....we liken this person to "Skeletor" from the old "He-Man" cartoon because he/she happens to share his dashing good looks and bony "Hi-I'm-allergic-to-food" figure. In Chris' own words, "Dude, just throw on a black hoodie and give him/her a staff...It's over. Skeletor." HAHAHA To add to this person's bizarre-O factor, he/she made me feel very uncomfortable in the morning. I think he/she knew I had been irritated at his/her incompetence the ENTIRE night...he/she rolled up to me while I was doing some work at my computer...asked me what was the matter...and when I replied that I was just exhausted [but in my head cursed his/her inability to properly carry out his/her job description], he/she stated [didn't even bother asking if it was OK], "I'm going to rub your back." UHHHHH what?? Then, he/she proceeded to rub my back with his/her bony death fingers. UHHHHHHH yikes. OK, I'm not even going to tell you what the former part of his/her nickname is...because I came up with an adjective that goes before "Skeletor"...but yeah...I don't know. I'm so mean. I'm going to hell. I just know it. Haha. OK, no more. Need sleep. Delirium setting in. But man, Skeletor...you crack me up!

when weirdos rule your world...

2007-10-06T05:00:00.000-07:00

You always have something interesting on which to blog. Ha! So tonight, I went out with Chris, Susana, Eli, Vince, Henry, and Joe. It was a pretty random night, but I actually ended up having a really good time. :) Chris and I started off the night with the usual...drinks at my house. Then we met up with the rest of the crew at Joe's...and headed over to Vince's friends' house party in Hollywood Hills. The house was freaking PHAT. The people, however, were very much the opposite. GAWD. You'd think that doctors would know some good-looking people...NOT SO MUCH. The two guys that owned the house were SO lucky to have us attend their lame-ass shindig. Susana, Chris, and I were WAY too cute to be at the party. GAWD. Hahaha...well, we hung out for a while, had some drinks, and took MAD pictures...then we couldn't tolerate being there any longer, so we went downtown to J-lounge with Joe and Eli...and UM, sorry to say, but the strange crowd from the mansion party followed us straight to the club. HAHAHA. It was SO freaking bizarre. I don't even know. But yeah...soooo the one most interesting thing that happened there was that I got into it with some crazy Korean biatch. Eli and Joe were talking...Joe was telling Eli that he needed to go home already because he wasn't feeling so well...Eli got all crazy and knocked the Red Bull can that Joe was holding out of his hand and onto the Korean whore by accident...The girl got all crazy even though Eli and Joe's drunk-asses were trying to explain that it hadn't been on purpose and that they were really sorry...She proceeded to STILL get crazy...SO being me, I tried to be nice and get in the middle and explain that it was all a huge misunderstanding and that I apologized for my friends and to please relax...BUT she kept cussing and shoving the Red Bull can in my face...SO I started to give her a little crazy...And Susana and Chris had to get in the middle...Then I told the guys she was with that their friend was WAY out of line and needed to relax and that she probably needed to be taken home because she was so intoxicated, causing unnecessary drama with strangers, OR they REALLY needed to get her bitch-ass in check...They just apologized and said they had just met her 20 minutes before the encounter. HA HA. THEN one of the random guys in their group ended up knowing Joe and Eli because I guess they all played basketball together. WTH. So crazy. Hahaha...After the club we went to Full House and ate something delicious. ;) Hehe, GREAT times. I'm SO not going out for a while. ;P

when the delirium sets in...

2007-10-03T09:38:00.000-07:00

It most definitely becomes almost impossible to be functional at work. So last night was pretty chill - thank goodness! I was bored out of mind, but at least I wasn't running around, cursing the very place from where I've derived the bulk of my nursing knowledge. HA HA HA. The day shift today was going to be really super-short on nurses, and I was helping Berni, who was the charge nurse last night, with the assignment for the them...and she asked me to call around to see if maybe some other nurses would be willing to come in and work extra to help out the unit...soooo I did. However, it was about almost 4 in the morning and my state of delirium had actually peaked as I was driving to work yesterday and was worsening by the second...Anyway, so whilst leaving messages on people's answering machines...I actually got someone to answer...and here was the conversation:

[Just for a little background 411, the person I asked for when I made the call was not the person I was initially trying to reach (I'm planning to change names for a little confidentiality heh). The person I first asked for was is an RN on our floor, who's consequently been working on the unit for a while and who also happens to wear "big dresses" to work and isn't usually very pleasant...As far as I know, she is unmarried and lives with a bunch of cats - I think. The person I REALLY ended up calling is one of my good friends, whose name/number happened to be next on the list below the lady I just mentioned. Ironically, my friend is a male who isn't into women but always jokes about marrying the lady I was trying to call because supposedly she's freaking loaded...HAHA...anyway, I digress. :P]

Me: Hi, may I speak to Shaniqua?
Pedro: HUH?
[Barb in the background: NOOOO...you're trying to call Alpana!! HAHA]
Me: Um sorry, may I speak to Alpi?
Pedro: WHO?
Me: Alpi! Alpana!
Pedro: WHO'S THIS??!
Me: It's Rochelle...from the hospital...
Pedro: Rochelle? Rochelle! It's me, Pedro!
Me: What??
[Then a burst of laughter from me, him, and everyone listening in to the conversation at the nurses' station.]

HAHAHA I don't even know if you were able to understand what happened...but I ended up calling the wrong number...and then asked for the wrong person anyway. GAWD. Haha. I really need to make a note to myself to get more sleep. Still...so funny!!

The other random thing that happened involved Chris and my green teas from Coffee Bean that we didn't finish at the shop and brought into work with us...Well first, I had written my name on my cup since our cups were identical...I finished my tea maybe an hour or so after getting to work...or so I thought. Around midnight, I look at Chris' coffee cup and am about to give it to her and tell her that she never finished it...but as I'm about to hand it to her, I see that my name is written on "her" cup in MY handwriting. It takes me about 5 seconds to realize that I had consumed HER drink earlier in the night and not mine. HA HA HA It was just like the time that Barb came late to one of our meetings at Coffee Bean, sat at our table, and just started drinking Chris' tea, even though Chris had gotten her a cup of her own. Chris went, "Um, are you drinking my tea, Barb?" Barb replied, "Oh. Oh yeah. I am." And another fit of laughter from the three of us commenced...Man. My sides hurt from laughing.

Oh, and this morning, the hospital hosted this "employee wellness fair" with random booths and some food and even a "nap-time" room. The nap room consisted of dark lighting, a gong, weird nature sounds, a massage chair, and a bunch of Tempur-Pedic beds. Supposedly, the room was for employees to relax and take 15 minute naps. Well, while Berni got molested by the crazy massage chair and was enjoying it greatly, Barb and Sheryl coerced me into hopping into a bed with them...and Sheryl spooned with me, just like the one time we got really wasted at a club and Eli had to carry both of us to my bed. HAHAHA I love that girl.

Anyway, Renji's over at Brian's place because Brian kept him company while I was at work last night. [I've been worried about leaving Renji alone at home the last couple of nights just because it seemed like Renji has been kind of depressed...] Anyway, it's so weird not having him here right now. I miss him. :( Ok, well time for bed...the sooner I go to sleep, the sooner I can go see Renji. :) YAY!

when you get misty-eyed watching this...

2007-10-02T11:35:00.000-07:00

You're probably a hopeless romantic. Here's a nice little Korean number I found saved on my computer from a long, long time ago. If you haven't seen this before, you kind of have to suspend your belief for a little while...because the plot seems a bit ridiculous if you don't...but either way, it's still my most favorite music video. Seriously. Ha. How ironic. Anyway, enjoy. ;)

P.S. Pig: I don't think you should watch this if you don't think you've already seen it...just a word of advice...It does me the way 'Click' did you over the weekend. Just saying. :P

when you can be yourself...

2007-10-02T10:56:00.001-07:00

And your company totally gets you and joins in on your lame-ness and, actually, doesn't think it's lame-ness at all, you know you're family. I got the pleasure of spending some time with my cousin, Michelle, over the weekend when I visited home [being Bakersfield]. It's funny how she and I hardly ever see each other...but when we do, it's as if no time has passed...and when I say "no time has passed", I mean we're giggling and laughing as if we were 12 years-old again, doing cartwheels, making up dance routines, and playing tetherball in her parents' backyard. ;) I just had to dedicate a post to her and tell her how much I love her and how happy I am that we've been able to stay in touch over the years and get even closer [through all of life's challenges and changes ;)] . We definitely have to stay true to our "once a week" pact. Love you sis. ;)

Here are some silly pictures we took at my parents' place:

And here's a song that she, her sister [Nora], and I really SHOULD HAVE made a video to at Magic Mountain so, so long ago - HAHAHA:

when feelings of stagnation roll in with the tide...

2007-10-02T03:06:00.001-07:00

You know it's time for a change. When I first started working on 6East a little over three years ago, I honestly believed that I would work there until the day that I died. I loved it. Didn't ever think I'd ever get tired of working there. I've been through a lot of different things the past few years and have done a lot of growing [of the personal kind...ok, ok lots of professional growth too]...and I'm not denying that I still have much more room to grow...however, some kind of change has been long overdue with me and my career. I've been feeling, especially in the last month or so, that I'm not going anywhere in my current job...not obtaining any new knowledge, not able to advance anywhere or in a way that is progressive and makes me excited about being a nurse. I'm miserable when I wake up to get ready for work...and I'm miserable while I'm there. I've been having these feelings of just being stuck...as if there's nowhere else my path in nursing will take me and staying where I am will only lead to my impending demise. Pretty serious stuff, right? Anyway, while agonizing over what the hell I'm gonna do with myself and my life and my career, I couldn't find an answer. I attempted talking to friends about other different fields of nursing I could do on the side, as maybe some type of break from the monotony...I even looked up jobs online that I could possibly do on the side of my main one. But nothing seemed to really catch my attention...SO, last Thursday, while drinking at my house with Chris and Brian, I came to this epiphany: I need and want to go back to school. I, seriously, have not been so excited about anything in...I can't even remember the last time...AND I've decided to do something drastically different from what I'm doing now. SO [drum roll, please...even though this probably won't sound too exciting to you, believe me, I am soooooo happy that I've made the decision to do this that I've been obsessing the past few days about nothing but this...] I'm going back to school to get my Master's in Nurse Anesthesiology. Different, right? Just what I needed...AND so I did all this crazy research about what I need to do to get accepted to a program...and one of the prerequisites just so happens to force me to change my nursing career ENTIRELY. I've been working on a pediatric surgical floor since I graduated nursing school...and now, before I apply to my anesthesia program, I have to get adult critical care experience...meaning I'm going to be working in a unit where I know pretty much nothing...AND I'll be working with adults who I know nothing of. YAY! I'm so scared and nervous and having borderline anxiety-attacks of all the new changes I'm going to be undergoing in the next year...but I'm really, really, really, REALLLLLLy excited and can't wait to start. I figure that if I want to get somewhere in life, I just have to want it bad enough that I'll do whatever it takes to get there, even if it means breaking away from what's been so comfortable, what I've known so well...sooooo that's what I'm about to do. Wish me luck! ;) Also, thanks to everyone who's been putting up with my EMO face at work...and putting up with my bitching and complaining over how unhappy I've been about work and also how excited I am about working in a completely different environment and going back to school. I really would not be where I am in my life without you guys...Thank you. ;) I hope you'll all still be around to celebrate my graduation with me [however long it's gonna be...I'm estimating 4 years - HAHA]. ♥

when you're doing a business transaction...

2007-09-17T07:38:00.001-07:00

In some shady shopping center off the freeway, you can pretty much guarantee that it's going to result in something that's just no good. HA HA. So yesterday right? Brian and I went down to Long Beach to acquire a couple tickets for Chris and I to watch Justin Timberlake tonight. I was SUPER-excited because I've never been to a concert AND I LOVE JUSTIN. Well anyway, the tickets were supposedly for pretty good seats, and I was going to buy them from a brother of a friend of a friend. OK, that should have been a red flag already that shit was gonna turn out badly because I didn't even know the person selling me the tickets. We sat in traffic for two freaking hours for the guy to roll up to my passenger-side window to say, "Oh, BY THE WAY, the seats aren't next to each other." WHAT?! Who the hell sells or even BUYS tickets for TWO seats not even in the same damn section and then tries to pass it off as ok?? Did he REALLY expect me to give him the money for these tickets??? GAWD. Then the dude went on, trying to explain that "this is what everyone does and it's easier to get tickets this way" and that Chris and I just had to show one of our tickets and they'd let us both into one of the sections. OK. Assuming that we both get IN to the section, what's to say that we'll be able to sit together? Then the guy was like, "Dude, not everyone shows up." UM OK. Not everyone shows up to a sold-fucking-out concert for Justin Timberlake? I HIGHLY doubt that. SO annoying. I really wanted to see the concert, but I guess I'll just have to wait for another opportunity and get the tickets myself. GAWD.

OK, I really like this song, so I'm gonna post it. BUT don't [or DO] laugh because the lyrics are like posted in the video like it's karaoke or something. HAHAHHAHAHHAAAaa freaking hilarious!!! Who DOES that??

when you try to obey the rules...

2007-09-12T16:47:00.000-07:00

You get kicked in the ass anyway. GAWD. So this past week, I've been totally agonizing over doing stupid ass jury duty in Bakersfield. I actually got the notice a while back but postponed taking care of it and then completely forgot about it until the day before I was supposed to show up at the courthouse. I could have easily called when I first got the notice and told the bastards that I wasn't coming because I'm not a resident of Kern County anymore; I live in LA...dammit. But nooooo, I'm a moron and didn't actually call anyone until I was supposed to have reported to the Jury Services building in Bakersfield on "L" Street at 8:15 AM this past Monday morning. When I called them and tried to explain that I wasn't able to serve jury duty because I didn't even live there anymore, the lady with whom I spoke gave me this stupid run-around saying that I needed to show up, or basically my ass was gonna get in trouble because it was too late to really excuse me or some stupid bullshit like that. SO, I actually drove up there this morning. First of all, I was awake since 2:30 AM because I got a phone call from a friend, who will remain un-named, asking if Chris and I were still out. I couldn't fall back asleep afterwards, so I freaking just stayed awake until I had to leave for Bakersfield a few hours later. When I got there, I was actually a little bit late...and was even MORE late because there was a freaking long-ass train stopped on the railroad that blocked my way from getting across the street to the building. I, along with a bunch of other people, just stood there like huge idiots staring at this train just stopped on the tracks for 15 minutes. WTH. Then, when I finally made it to where I was supposed to be, I found out from a couple of the workers, after I had behaved very irritated and rude, that I didn't even have to be there and that the lady with whom I had spoken earlier in the week should have just excused me since I didn't live in Bakersfield anymore. They had me walk to some other building across the street, sign a piece of paper, bring that paper back to them, and then leave. WTH. What a complete waste of my damn morning. THEN, on the way back from the jury place to the parking lot, there was ANOTHER damn train just chillin on the railroad tracks AGAIN, so I had to wait ANOTHER 20 minutes for the thing to get going again before I could even leave. [I took a picture of the train, which I'll post in this blog once I get the stupid mouse for my computer to start functioning again...and YES, I was so desperate to blog about my lame-ass morning that I've been using "tab-shift-alt" and arrow keys to navigate through my explorer windows. GAWD! Ghetto.] AND while I was waiting for the railroad to clear, some random, creepy cholo dude rolled up next to me and asked me if he could "bum" a ride off of me to somewhere two blocks away. TWO BLOCKS AWAY?? To WHERE?? The house where you're gonna kidnap me and hold me hostage and kill me??? WHO are YOU?? And if it's only two blocks, why couldn't he just walk? The weather was nice. Get some freaking fresh air, buddy. THEN, when I refused, he asked if I had a cell phone that he could borrow to call a friend for a ride. WHAT?? I told him no...then he proceeded to ask me for a cigarette [I was smoking during this interaction], which I did end up giving up because I shouldn't be smoking anyway. GAWD. What. THE. Hell. Talk about random. After I finally made it back to my car, I went to visit my mom, and we had breakfast, which was nice. :)

I took a 3-hour nap, and I'm still tired. Chris just left after visiting me and venting about the stupid day she's been having too. GAWD. She and I really are sisters. Having bad days together. Haha. Love that girl. Thanks for chatting with me and getting me through the morning. You're the best. ;)

when what you see really is...

2007-09-11T08:26:00.000-07:00

All you really get, life can sometimes be just a little bit frustrating. I don't know about you, but I like to think that people are much more deeper than the lameness that they exude in their day-to-day activities and interactions with others. I'm a pretty complex person, and I've always believed the same of others, but sometimes, I'm just not so sure. I guess some people are lame, and that's pretty much all there is to them. Gawd.

So, I'm off for the next couple of days and don't work again until Thursday. I have to freaking go to jury duty in Bakersfield tomorrow, maybe. I'll find out later this afternoon. It's freaking irritating, and I'm sure that I could make some excuse to get out of it, but I think I'm just going to go and get it over with. I was actually supposed to report to the Jury Services Building on "L" Street in Bakersfield yesterday morning at 8:15 AM, but I had worked the entire weekend and completely forgot to take care of it last week. I don't usually forget to take care of stuff like this, so I don't know what's going on with me. I've just been out of it, I guess...

I took Brian out for his birthday last night...We went to Crustacean, my most favorite restaurant in the whole wide world...and I was reminded of how much I like that place. The ambiance is so cool...They have this aquarium walk-way thing; they have an aquarium built into the floor, so you walk on top if it...and the thing has like all these koi fishies. :) It's really cute. And the food is freaking impeccable. Seriously, I could live off of their garlic noodles...

Well, over dinner, we were talking about life and relationships...and I was telling him how Chris and I had a conversation last week with one of the respiratory therapists at work, who insisted that all guys cheat. He added that the only reason he hasn't cheated on his wife of x-amount of years is because they have kids. Gosh. So I brought this up during dinner, and my company re-affirmed the statement of all guys cheating. He said he would too, as long as he didn't have kids with his wife and no one would ever find out. Why would anyone marry someone who they knew they would cheat on anyway? :( Pretty depressing yeah?

I've been feeling kind of old the last week...and I know I shouldn't but have been worrying about settling down and having kids and stuff. Honestly, I absolutely refuse to have kids after I turn 35...and granted, I still have just a little under 10 years to get everything together, I've been sad about the thought of not getting married anytime soon. Well, I figure that I'd probably have to date someone for a year or two...then be engaged for a year...then get married...and enjoy being newlyweds for a couple years and travel and stuff...I haven't even found anyone with whom to really be in a steady, serious relationship. Gawd, how even more depressing.

I'm chatting with Chris online right now, and I just told her that I miss being in love. It seriously is the greatest feeling. Being in love with someone and having them be crazy, madly in love with you back. Blah. Oh well. Gawd, I need to go to this "Sexual Harassment Training for Management" class right now. This day sucks.

when i just can't...

2007-08-26T10:11:00.000-07:00

I mean it. I just can't. Have you ever watched "Batman Begins"? It's one of my personal favorites. There's this quote towards the end of the movie when Bruce Wayne (Christian Bale) is talking to Rachel Dawes (Katie Holmes). Bruce says to Rachel, "It's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me." The former part of the quote is kind of irrelevant to what's on my mind...but then again, relevant. What you do really does define who you are. It's like the old cliche, "Actions speak louder than words"...They really do. Even though Bruce makes it seem as if his inner-self is less important than what he shows people on the outside, those actions he takes that people actually see are intrinsically driven by who he really is on the inside. Right? Does that even make any sense? I mean, I guess you could be really rotten but be nothing but nice to everyone around you or vice-versa...but why the hell would anyone waste his or her time doing that? And yes, yes I know that Bruce probably meant the quote in an entirely different context, and my interpretation of the quote probably takes what he said to an entirely unrelated level, but I don't really care. How you behave and treat others really does leave an impression of the kind of person you are...

I'm just really frustrated. Frustrated with even bothering to have faith in people. Sometimes, people just need to realize that it's the little things that matter the most and that those little things really don't go unnoticed. I guess that's just the way some people are, and their ability to be completely oblivious is just innate...and there is absolutely nothing I, nor anyone else for that matter, can do to change that...and maybe I just need to be more lenient and forgiving...but yeah. I don't know. I guess no one is perfect. And like I said earlier, I just can't.

when you wish upon a star...

2007-08-23T07:45:00.000-07:00

You usually don't get what you wish for. But sometimes you do...

I had dinner with Chris last night at BJ's. We had some delicious pizza and even more delicious pizookie. YuM! I've seriously been craving pizookie for MONTHS. It was nice to have a chill night and just have dinner with one of my best friends. The past week has been really stressful for us at work, so it was nice to just relax and enjoy some good food. I love you sis!! Thanks for entertaining my food cravings! Haha :)

So I'm doing laundry right now, but my cousin, JR, is coming home from work...and we're gonna have breakfast. GAwd, I'm starving. ANd this blog is all about food. Haha. Man, I love to eat. Food is one of my favorite past-times. :D

when the tides turn for the worst...

2007-08-21T09:04:00.000-07:00

They always come right around to hit the little dinghy that is your life for the best. This blog is especially dedicated to my sister [Chris] and Pig...I think you two are the only ones who look at my blog and are actually members of the miniscule group of people who even know about it. Ha ha.

Anyway, I don't really know where to begin...well, my birthday party. Haha. Honestly, my party was freaking amazing. All my friends came out, and I had the best birthday EVER. Granted, I did get escorted out of the club for supposedly being "intoxicated", which I absolutely was not [I wish - GAWD! I didn't even get that messed up that night! HA!], and walked back in 5 minutes later...it was a really AWESOME time. ;)

I've just been feeling soooo OK the last week or so...and I'm sure a large part of it has been due to my birthday festivities and having the most kick-ass friends in the world...but yeah. I'm starting to really feel as if things in my life are falling into place. And I'm not just talking about what's been going on externally...but internally. I've just been feeling really OK about letting go of the past and looking forward into my new beginning...

There was a time when I thought that I could really never move on and that I would just have to accept a life of misery and sorrow...accept that feeling of loss of control and just know the aching in my chest was permanent...but everything just somehow changed almost instantaneously. One day I was thinking that I had lost everything and that my world was definitely over...and today, I'm just so thankful that I went through the bullshit...because it really has made me stronger and made me realize how much better I am without it.

Anyhow, I'm totally rambling. In conclusion [as if I'm writing an essay ha ha], I just want to say that I'm glad everything turned out OK...that I'm OK. I never really listen to other people when they tell me everything's gonna be all right...or I do listen but just really don't believe it...It's so funny how you tell others that everything will work out for the best [and everything really does]...so you've seen how people just come out even better than before out of the worst situations...but when it comes to yourself, you'd never believe it. Does that even make sense? Well, I don't care. It does to me. Ha. Anyway, I'm SO ok. Good night.

This song by Joss Stone is really nice...It's called "Bruised but not Broken"...Just ignore Natalie Portman. I don't know what the hell she's doing in there. HAHA But it's the only complete version I could find of the song!! GAWD! Stop judging. Haha. Anyway, =)

when desperate times call for desperate measures...

2007-08-11T08:20:00.000-07:00

...I don't really know what people usually say after that. Gosh, I'm up early again. I hate this crap. I've been going to bed late every night the past week but been awake at around 6-ish. It's like I have this bizarro internal alarm clock that's set for the wrong time of the day. Haha. I've never been one to be able to wake up this early in the day. When I was doing day shift up at Stanford, I seriously had the hardest time waking up this early in the day, and I'd be a zombie until around noon. Ha.

Last night, I went to a karaoke bar with Chris, Barb, Eli, Kenia, Sheryl, Laine, Tash, and Brian. It was really fun. :) I didn't think I'd be up for singing much, but apparently, I turned out to be a big, fat mic-whore. Sorrrrrrrrryyyyy guys. :( I had a really good time though. Thanks you guys. :)

Sooooooo tonight is finally my big birthday bash, and I can't freaking wait. It's gonna be freaking out of control. Hopefully, I'll remember enough to blog on the night tomorrow. Ha. Alright, until then....

when disappointment springs from unmerited expectations...

2007-08-10T01:29:00.000-07:00

Your ass shouldn't have been expecting shit in the first place. MO-FO! GAWD! I just got home from Mai Tai Bar in Long Beach with Chris, Barb, and Susana. We met up with Junior, Lester, and some of their other friends at the place. It was a good time, for the most part. I got to see some really old friends who I haven't seen in FOREVERS...One of the girls, Leah, was in the first band who performed. She was freaking AWESOME!!! I am SO proud of her...=) But yeah, so anyway...it was good to finally get to hang out with Chris...girl has been so M.I.A. this past week with work. :P GAWD. However, the night was totally killed by this damn old ass pervert guy who straight up told us, "I'm really into short Asian girls. My last few girlfriends have been Filipino and Korean." WTF. I am SO not dating your dirty ass. So the guy claimed that it was his birthday and insisted on buying us drinks, even though we had totally tried to refuse. Then, to be nice, we freaking entertained his ass for like an hour just to make sure he didn't think we were using his ass for drinks. THEN, we got tired of talking to the freaking homo and tried to just ignore him and talk to Junior and Lester and their friends; we told them to freaking save us, and they kept standing in the middle of us and the creep-a-zoid....but the guy was totally RELENTLESS. As if he hadn't already gotten the hint, he freaking gave me his calling card and asked for my number. When I told him that I don't give it out, he was like practically begging me to tell him what he needed to do to see me again. WTF man, have some respect for yourself!!! THEN OK!!! His freaking sister goes up to Susana, feeding her some bullshit about how we shouldn't accept drinks from her brother if we have boyfriends and are leading him on. WTF. DUMB BEE-YOTCH!!!! She needs to freaking: 1) Stop babysitting her FORTY YEAR-OLD brother and 2) Instead of calling US out, call HIS stupid ass out instead for being a fucking idiot and acting a fool in front of some girls who OBVIOUSLY weren't interested in his loser-ass!!!!!!!!! UGGGGGGHHHHHHH!! I'm so irritated. The guy shouldn't have expected anything from us in the first place. HELLO??!! He was totally our DAD. GAWD.

So anyway, I'm done venting. HAHA. I'm really looking forward to my birthday party tomorrow. It'll be so fun to have all my friends together for once. I just wonder who's gonna be taking care of 6 East, while all the nurses are out partying at the Highlands. :X OOPS, sorry. Haha. Oh well. And later on tonight, we're supposed to go to a karaoke bar...I've never been, so I guess we'll see how that turns out. HA HA HA. Gawd, I LOVE being back in L.A. Greatest place to be...and that's NO joke. :)

when the paychecks ain't cuttin' it...

2007-08-07T09:00:00.000-07:00

And you have THE worst nights at work and bitch about it the entire time because you SWEAR you hate it and you're never going back to that hellish place EVER again, but you find yourself back there anyway, you know you freaking love what you do. There is seriously no way for me to convey to you how many times I've been at the hospital and wished I had picked another profession. There just isn't any way for me to illustrate the overwhelming feelings of frustration and stress I sometimes get when I'm at work. These are the nights when I'm running around from the get-go with my mind-racing, trying hard to think ahead of things that I need to get done in the next hour - let-alone the rest of the night - wondering how or when the hell I'm gonna even get to sit down for just a second to document or even just relax and take a breath. These are the nights when I just look at Chris from across the nurses' station and know that she's feeling the exact same way. But...regardless of how burnt-out I may feel, at the end of the night, I'm sooooo OK in knowing that I chose the right direction in life, becoming a nurse.
I don't think people really appreciate the kinds of things that we do or ways we impact lives. Nurses bear so much responsibility in keeping their patients alive every shift. I mean, I'm not trying to say that nurses are the shit, but man, there are very few careers out there in which people can truly say that they make a difference in someone else's life each and every day they go to work.

Anyhow...the reason I decided to blog about this was that last night, I had my very first code blue...[I've been in codes before, but never when it was one of the kids who was assigned to me...]...meaning it was MY patient who was totally unresponsive. Granted, she didn't go into complete respiratory or cardiac arrest, but if we hadn't taken any actions quickly, she very well might have. The whole thing is still kind of a blur to me since everything was happening so fast, and there was so many things happening all at once, but yeah...thinking back on it, I really, really am grateful to be a nurse. Gosh, if we hadn't intervened last night, that little girl may not have been around to see this morning's sunrise...

Anyway, another thing about my kid crashing is that it totally made me even more appreciative of the other awesome nurses with whom I work. My kid would have been done-zo if they weren't there helping out. I swear my coworkers kick-ass...and I tell them all the time that I'm so happy to be back working with them, but sometimes I think they don't take me seriously...but yeah. I wouldn't ever trade working with this particular group of people again for anything in the world...not even money. Man, I love you guys. I hope you know it. Thanks for all you do and all you are for the kids that we put our hearts and souls into every shift. The kids that I take care of are the reason I went into this field, but you guys are the reason that I stay. Go super-nurses! :)

when it's so close, you can almost taste it...

2007-08-05T04:54:00.000-07:00

just let it in.

when the city lights begin to fade...

2007-08-05T02:54:00.000-07:00

All you have left is your sorrow and loneliness for company. Sometimes, no matter what you do and no matter where you go and no matter who you meet, at the end of the day, there really isn't anything that can truly act as a distraction from the heaviness in your heart. Don't get me wrong...I have THE bestest friends and have THE greatest time when I'm out with them...but when I'm at home, alone in my room, where the only sounds I hear are of Renji sleeping softly beside me and the whirr of passing cars, I can't help but long for a time when being at home won't be so unbearable.

So I've been out the past three nights, and they've been pretty interesting. Barbie, Tommy, Eli, a couple of Eli's friends [Priscilla and Susie], and I went out to Social on Thursday. I always liked that place...the ambiance is always good. The place was pretty poppin', but I ended up taking a little nap - as usual. :)

What is going on here?? I'm getting sleepy. HA HA HA.

...After my power-nap. :)

We ran into Mike and his best friend, Eddie.

At Fred62's...tired as hell.

Then...During the day on Friday, Barb and I spent 7 hours looking for dresses to wear to my birthday party next week. We had NO luck, even after visiting the Beverly Center AND the Grove. I was, however, able to find a tiara :), but no dress was found. At the Grove, we had the most DE-licious gyros and were about to pass out from a combination of exhaustion and food coma. We went home after dinner to take a nap and get ready for that night. I think I slept for about an hour and a half before Barb and Tommy came over. It was about 10:30 when we left my place, and we spent about an hour and half trying to find a place to go. First, we went to LAX because Billy, our doorman friend, was at the door, but the place was D.E.A.D. I swear we passed the place like 3 times just to make sure. Ha ha. Then we went to the Highlands but ended up at Facade. I don't know. It was a very random night. Anyway, Facade was pretty fun. They played pretty-OK music, and we all got pretty buzzed...Afterwards, we hit up Denny's. Moons over My Hammy = YUM.

OK, so this is some weirdo-random guy, named "Shawn" from Atlanta I think?, who kept molesting Barb and me at Facade. Gross. I think I may have been taller than him...Ha HA.

HA HA. Then, more recently, tonight. Barbie, Kenia, Tommy, and I ended up going to the Highlands and scoped out the scene for my birthday party next week. IT WAS WACK. The music was retarded, and the people were gross. The place really wasn't even that packed...I was so upset. Tommy kept saying that it's not usually like that on Saturdays...but yeah, I guess it won't matter next week since all my friends are gonna be there anyway. But yeah, Barbie and I were completely sober the entire 3 or so hours that we were there, so that probably made everything even worse. I didn't take many pictures...just a couple when we first go there...P.S. I wore my tiara because, dammit, it's my birthday!!

We left at about 1-ish because we couldn't tolerate the place any longer...took a quick drive by LAX just to make sure it wasn't poppin' [ which is was not, but Billy was at the door, and it was early...]. We were about to spend an hour there just to kill time since we had left the Highlands so early, but parking was freaking $20, so we just left and went to eat at Thai Patio. YUM! Thanks for hanging out with me the last few nights guys. You're the bestests! ♥ Chris is coming home today. I've missed that girl muchos. I can't wait until my siamese twin is in the same country. Gawd. Haha. OK, good night.

when the walls are closing in...

2007-08-02T10:18:00.001-07:00

just breathe.

when the hole just keeps getting deeper...

2007-08-02T08:38:00.000-07:00

And you haven't found what you've been looking for, you probably won't find it, even if you continue digging until forever's done. I've noticed that I tend to have too much faith in people. I used to believe that all people were inherently good...and if they hurt me, they could change. So, I would wait and wait...and wait some more...but the change would never come. And after I finally realize that the waiting was in vain, I'm left with heartache that's borderline-unbearable. I don't know if this is a common occurrence with everyone...or if it's just me...maybe I just really shouldn't be so nice.

Dude. The whole reason I thought about digging holes this morning is that my freaking next door neighbors dug this GINORMOUS hole in front of their house. The guys have been working on this thing since Sunday. It's huge. It's like one of those holes you'd think was going to be a tunnel to get you to freaking China. I want to take a picture of it, but there are always a couple of Mexican dudes down inside of it, digging.....[10 minutes later]..... DUDE. I just totally went outside and asked one of the guys [in Spanish, of course] if I could take a picture of the hole. HAHAHAHAHA. Here it is, my pathway to China:

I know it doesn't really look as if it's all that deep, but I swear it's like at least 15 feet into the ground. HA.

So have you ever run into strangers who just give you the heebie jeebies? Gawd. There's this guy who lives on my street a few houses down...actually I think it's a little apartment building. Well anyway, I see this guy pretty much every morning when I take Renji out for a walk. He totally wins the award for creepy. He never says anything to us...and I always try to avoid him...but I swear the guy follows us and just stares. Take this morning for example...so, we were approaching his building, and lo and behold! This fool just pops up, staring at us from the other side of his gate...AND his face was so close to the gate that I swear his nose was touching the bars. Well anyway, I felt really uncomfortable because we made eye contact...so I just hurried away to go back home with Renji. Anyway, then Renji stopped because he needed to take a dump. Luckily, it was behind a bunch of shrubbery....I hid behind the shrubbery, waiting for the creepy guy's ass to come around and try to molest us...and dude! He totally like walked all the way to almost where we were and just stopped and started looking around. This went on for maybe a full minute. Renji was finished, but I picked him up, and we stayed hidden to see what Mr. Creep-a-zoid was going to do. I guess he was confused that we had disappeared, so he went away. Then I busted my ass home. Gawd. Sorry Chester-Molester.

OH. So last night, Barbie and I were trying to coordinate a cruise trip to Mexico for me, her, and Chris in September. But dammit, we found out it's hurricane season from now until the end of November. No wonder the fares were freaking cheap as hell. Gawd. So much for my vacation. Now, we have to figure something else to do to get me the hell out of LA for a while.

when 'mam-sir' becomes a way of life...

2007-08-01T08:57:00.000-07:00

You DEFINITELY know that you know are Filipino. So last night, or actually early this morning, my sis [Chris] and I were changing the tracheostomy tie [it's this piece of foam with velcro on each end that loops through holes on either side of the trach and secures it, so it doesn't fall out...if that makes any sense...=P] for one of her patients. We had done the exact same thing the night before at work, but for some reason, we were having extreme difficulty this particular time. Anyway, so I took hold of the kid's trach [sorry for those of you who are reading this and aren't familiar with what I'm talking about...you'll get the punchline soon, promise...heh], and Chris was getting ready to pull the new trach tie to her side of the patient's neck, so she could secure it to the trach. Well, sometimes when you're doing this, the trach tie gets twisted. At this point, I swear I almost snorted in my isolation mask [we had to wear masks in this particular patient's room because he has a nasty respiratory infection] from laughing so hard because immediately after I said, "Ok Chris, I got the trach. Your turn", she responded, "Dude, are you sure it's not BALIKTAD???!" HA HA HA!! Man, I freaking love that girl to pieces. I know she hated me for laughing so hard and teasing her, but MAN! She just busted out with the TAG-lish like nobody's business. If you're reading this, sis, you're the best. I'm really gonna miss you the next few days. :( I hope you have a really great time in Cabo! I love you!!! This song is for you: heh

OH, and another thing that happened last night at work...soooo Monday night at work, Chris came up with the idea that she, Barbie, and I should wear the same color scrub pants on Tuesday [last night]. We decided on RED, and we really did wear matching scrub pants. HAHA. Last night, people kept asking us whether or not we had planned it, but we just denied it and said it just turned out to be this huge coincedence. Heh. Sheryl [one of our friends at work] was telling me that there was a respiratory therapist who was looking for me to talk to me about one of my kids, and she tells me that to the lady, she goes, "Oh, she's the one with the red pants." Then Sheryl told me that the chick got really confused and started going in circles trying to track one of us down, not knowing which one of us to talk to because we were all wearing red pants. HA. OHHHH. To make this whole scheme even more ridiculous, when we first got to work, Chris, Barbie, and I went to the break room to put our stuff away. We were already getting harrassed by Tita Becky [one of the cool nurses we work with] about our matching pants. Sheryl was in the bathroom. She heard us laughing and yelled, demanding to know what we were laughing about. Then I asked her if she was wearing red pants. What do you think her answer was? Because immediately after her answer, everyone in the break room just started cracking up. So yeah, we were the Red Clan last night. I should've brought my camera with me. Hehe. Good times at work. :)

when no words are spoken...

2007-07-31T08:54:00.000-07:00

The silence can paint a picture so vivid, you would have thought you were in the presence of freaking Michelangelo while he created a masterpiece. So, this morning, as my two co-workers [who will remain un-named heh] and I walked out of the hospital, we crossed paths with this guy [who I'll just have to guess was a doctor of some sort...none of us knew or ever saw him before...]. There was this fleeting moment...where one of my co-workers and this particular gentleman locked eyes. They said nothing but felt everything, I'm sure. However, as my other co-worker and I walked behind, observing the interaction, I began to feel a little bit uncomfortable...as if I was maybe intruding into a very private moment between two lovers. Ha ha ha. I'm gonna get my ass beat down tonight at work. Anyway, you really just had to be there. It was really hilarious. I promise. I laughed my ass off for at least one minute and fifty-two seconds. Ok ok, maybe more like one minute and thirty...and I'm chuckling to myself as I'm writing this, thinking about it. So yeah. Funny shit.

Today, I really don't feel like going to bed. I'm really tired, but I just don't want to go to sleep. I just feel so blah. Plus, I've been having really weird dreams lately...I think I really just need a vacation...

when jealousy rears its ugly head...

2007-07-30T08:53:00.000-07:00

NO good can come of it. Have you ever loved someone so deep that you, honestly, would walk to the ends of the world for him or her? I have...and man, it's soooo cliche, but love really is so blind. I've been blind for so, so long. But...last night, all the ugliness and hurtful aspects of my most recent relationship became so clear...It was as if I left an IMAX theater 7 years ago with a pair 3-D glasses on and never saw another 3-D movie but never took them off until last night. You would think that after he had broken my heart, he would be kissing my ass, doing everything to win me back...but no. Instead, he goes off lame rumors about me disrespecting him, which by the way I absolutely did not, and assumes the worst of me...cusses me out...and says "we're done". I'm sorry...I didn't know that him cheating on me was not a cause for us to be done in the first place. Anyway, here's a conversation I had with a friend to sum up what happened because it'll make me more frustrated to go through the details again after I've just gone through them [P.S. I'm sooooo glad Chris and Barb were at work last night. I would have just DIED without them. For seriously!]:

***If you aren't able to figure it out, I'm jenechelle81, and pig pen is a good friend, who I'm reallyreallyreallyreaLLy glad to know. :)

jenechelle81 (8:39:45 AM): i was really upset last night
jenechelle81 (8:39:47 AM): crying
jenechelle81 (8:39:49 AM): at work
jenechelle81 (8:39:51 AM): like a damn baby
jenechelle81 (8:39:52 AM): but
jenechelle81 (8:39:54 AM): i'm over it now
jenechelle81 (8:40:00 AM): time to move on
pig pen (8:40:29 AM): oh, what happened?
jenechelle81 (8:41:20 AM): well
jenechelle81 (8:41:26 AM): my ex called my freaking work last night
jenechelle81 (8:41:32 AM): this is what i'm blogging on
pig pen (8:41:41 AM): ahhhhh
jenechelle81 (8:41:38 AM): and cussed me out
pig pen (8:41:44 AM): what did he call about
pig pen (8:41:45 AM): whoa
pig pen (8:41:46 AM): why?
jenechelle81 (8:41:57 AM): saying that i disrespected him
jenechelle81 (8:42:09 AM): by trying to hook up with his cousins' friend
jenechelle81 (8:42:17 AM): which is sooo not true
jenechelle81 (8:42:22 AM): you're trying to hook up w/ his cousin's friend?
pig pen (8:42:24 AM): ahhhh
jenechelle81 (8:42:27 AM): and even if i were, why should it matter to him?
jenechelle81 (8:42:38 AM): i broke up with him a long time ago
jenechelle81 (8:42:47 AM): well anyway
jenechelle81 (8:42:56 AM): here's my side:
jenechelle81 (8:43:22 AM): i met his cousins' friends at one of his cousin's weddings in lake tahoe last may
jenechelle81 (8:43:30 AM): but like
jenechelle81 (8:43:40 AM): i didn't even really talk the friend while we were there
jenechelle81 (8:43:53 AM): so anyway, later after the wedding, the guy added me on myspace
jenechelle81 (8:44:02 AM): so i'm like "ok myspace shmyspace. no biggie"
jenechelle81 (8:44:17 AM): well he happens to live in the la area and said that we should hang out sometime
jenechelle81 (8:44:36 AM): and i'm like ok, so i invite him out a couple times with me and my friends and give him my number
jenechelle81 (8:44:38 AM): WELL
jenechelle81 (8:44:49 AM): but we never ended up hanging up
jenechelle81 (8:44:54 AM): and hardly spoke on the phone
jenechelle81 (8:45:00 AM): since i've been down here
jenechelle81 (8:45:07 AM): ok so
pig pen (8:45:14 AM): exactly, it shouldn't matter to him
jenechelle81 (8:45:16 AM): he straight calls my work last night
jenechelle81 (8:45:18 AM): cussing me out
jenechelle81 (8:45:29 AM): saying that his cousins said that i was trying to holler at this fool
jenechelle81 (8:45:44 AM): who i have to say isn't even on my level. sorry
pig pen (8:45:56 AM): who, the guy?
jenechelle81 (8:45:55 AM): and that i asked for his number and am trying to hook up
jenechelle81 (8:45:56 AM): yeah
pig pen (8:46:02 AM): omg
jenechelle81 (8:46:01 AM): so then
jenechelle81 (8:46:07 AM): cusses me out over this
jenechelle81 (8:46:12 AM): and i'm just like, "wtf?"
jenechelle81 (8:46:15 AM): and just start laughing
jenechelle81 (8:46:20 AM): and ask him if he's really serious
jenechelle81 (8:46:30 AM): and he's like, "you think this is a fucking joke don't you?"
jenechelle81 (8:47:02 AM): and i'm like, "no...but i'm sorry..it's just funny that you're reacting this way over nothing...and well, reacting this way at all...because we're not together anymore. you cheated on me remember?"
jenechelle81 (8:47:05 AM): and he got all pissed off
jenechelle81 (8:47:10 AM): and goes, "WE ARE DONE!!!!"
jenechelle81 (8:47:21 AM): and i said, "we've BEEN done."
jenechelle81 (8:47:33 AM): and he goes, "oh REALLY??!"
jenechelle81 (8:47:40 AM): and i said, "what? you didn't get the memo?"
jenechelle81 (8:47:51 AM): and he goes, "you fucking bitch. have a great fucking life."
jenechelle81 (8:48:01 AM): and i said, "thanks for the well wishes. i will."
jenechelle81 (8:48:03 AM): and hang up
jenechelle81 (8:48:05 AM): =/
pig pen (8:48:16 AM): dang, sorry
jenechelle81 (8:48:24 AM): it's okay
jenechelle81 (8:48:26 AM): you don't have to be sorry
jenechelle81 (8:48:43 AM): he and i might have been together a really long time
jenechelle81 (8:48:54 AM): and i may have been sooo comfortable with him
jenechelle81 (8:49:05 AM): and used to think that he was the one for me
jenechelle81 (8:49:24 AM): and somewhere in the back of my mind and deep in my heart thought that we would somehow work it out in the future...
jenechelle81 (8:49:26 AM): but not anymore
pig pen (8:50:20 AM): well, I'm just sorry he had to upset you
jenechelle81 (8:50:31 AM): that's what he does
jenechelle81 (8:50:36 AM): and i don't need someone in my life who does that
pig pen (8:50:40 AM): but he's really fallen off the deep end
jenechelle81 (8:50:37 AM): sooooo
pig pen (8:50:42 AM): it's irrational
pig pen (8:50:46 AM): i totally agree
jenechelle81 (8:50:44 AM): i finally disconnected his cell phone
pig pen (8:50:57 AM): there's someone better than that
jenechelle81 (8:50:58 AM): and called all his family members this morning
pig pen (8:51:05 AM): you were still paying for it?
jenechelle81 (8:51:06 AM): yup
jenechelle81 (8:51:09 AM): i'm a pushover
jenechelle81 (8:51:14 AM): but not anymore
pig pen (8:51:48 AM): good
jenechelle81 (8:51:51 AM): =/
jenechelle81 (8:51:53 AM): you know
jenechelle81 (8:52:17 AM): i thought i would be more distraught about cutting his ass completely out of my life...like not even being friends...
jenechelle81 (8:52:22 AM): but i'm actually a lot more relieved
pig pen (8:52:37 AM): well, then that can only be a good sign
jenechelle81 (8:52:39 AM): yes =)
jenechelle81 (8:52:52 AM): i'll be much happier without him
jenechelle81 (8:53:07 AM): he's like the freaking thorn that i had to have surgically removed from my side
jenechelle81 (8:53:08 AM): haha
jenechelle81 (8:58:30 AM): give me a good song
jenechelle81 (8:58:34 AM): about moving on
pig pen (9:00:36 AM): hmmmm
pig pen (9:00:45 AM): surgically remove
pig pen (9:00:46 AM): hehehe
jenechelle81 (9:00:48 AM): it's true!!
jenechelle81 (9:00:57 AM): because you know...
jenechelle81 (9:01:10 AM): i've been trying to take it out myself the last how many months
jenechelle81 (9:01:19 AM): but i sought out professional help
pig pen (9:01:23 AM): i would say for good, but it's not a really good song for you two cuz the ending was bitter
jenechelle81 (9:01:20 AM): haha
pig pen (9:01:27 AM): hahaha
jenechelle81 (9:01:31 AM): i'm not bitter
jenechelle81 (9:01:39 AM): he's bitter
jenechelle81 (9:01:43 AM): you know why?
jenechelle81 (9:01:47 AM): because he lost me
jenechelle81 (9:01:52 AM): i think last night
jenechelle81 (9:01:56 AM): was just his way of trying to deal with it
jenechelle81 (9:02:09 AM): pinning the blame for the failure in our relationship on me
jenechelle81 (9:02:13 AM): even though it was already done

DONE. That is what I am. In the past quarter of my life, I never believed that I would ever feel this way. Ok about moving on. Ok about letting go. So yeah, I guess life is just funny that way...throwing in those unsuspecting "curve balls". I'm afraid of what's to come but actually a little excited. Here's to my "happy ending" but "even happier new beginning". [Thanks pig pen...You're THE best. :)]

AND good night.